Caught in a Loop

I’m caught in a loop. This happens to me when I don’t fully work through something. It’s hard to explain, but I’ll try.

There are all these thoughts in my head, like little pieces of track to a rollercoaster. Each thought brings me up, brings me down, toggles me, or maybe sends me upside down, etc. Some thoughts are even those super intense moments, when the coaster is at a complete stop and you are waiting for it to start, filled with anticipation, but completely in the moment. All you see is what is right ahead of you, and you swing your legs as they dangle (assuming it’s a leg dangling rollercoaster), and you suddenly forget you have to pee even though moments prior the attendant pressed your harness right into your bladder to ensure that your guts were also harnessed in safely and wouldn’t pour out your mouth the second you went upside down. So, those are the thoughts in my head, actually those are the thoughts about the thoughts in my head. So this loop, somehow my thoughts have created a loop that just keeps repeating itself. Instead of hitting the loop, being thrown upside down for a second, feeling my butt raise off the seat a smidge, almost releasing my bladder out of my mouth, and then being righted once more and continuing on; I am hitting the loop and then just staying in it. There is no exit!

Here is the loop: “My husband thinks I’m disgusting.”

First of all, how dare I?! How dare I claim to know my husband’s thoughts, who do I think I am, God? Nuh huh, Liz, get down from that throne, you look like a lego sitting on daddy’s recliner. One of the most important tools I learned in my years of recovery was to “stay in my own lane.” Meaning, that it is not safe or productive for me to try and figure out what someone else is thinking. And 90% of the time (made up statistic, it’s just a guess) I’m wrong about their thoughts anyway.

But no matter how many times I tell myself the latter, I still find myself in this loop. Typically, this happens because I haven’t fully worked through the loop, which means the loop isn’t just, “My husband thinks I’m disgusting.” There is more to the loop. I know what that piece of loop is, but I don’t want to tell you. It makes me a horrible person. I’ve tried to keep this little part of the loop to myself in the hopes that I could continue my journey from “too fat” to LOVE without it, but it seems that this one little piece of the loop is the exit piece. Until I work through this little piece I cannot leave the loop.

I hesitate to share this for three reasons: 1.) it will make me look bad, 2.) I’m scared you will mistake my thoughts for my husband’s words and think he is a jerk; he’s not, and 3.) that maybe you will think it’s about you. It’s not about you!

Ok, so remember that discussion that my husband and I had over the summer about my overeating and weight gain? Here is the little tic tac of information that is forever throwing me for a loop:

That day on the beach he did say, “I’m worried about you: you’ve been putting on weight and overeating. I’m scared you’re going to wake up three years from now and realize you are 300 pounds. I don’t want you to struggle just to run around and play with our kids.” But I’ve left out two words. And at first I convinced myself I left out these two words to protect the innocent. But really, I left out these two words to protect the guilty…myself.

“I’m worried about you: you’ve been putting on weight and overeating. I’m scared you’re going to wake up three years from now and realize you are 300 pounds, like So-and-so*. I don’t want you to struggle just to run around and play with our kids.”

*I changed So-and-so’s name to protect the identity of the innocent.

“…like So-and-so.”

“…like So-and-so.”

“…like So-and-so.”

Now that I say it, I know this is why I am stuck in this stupid loop. Because every time I say, “…like So-and-so” I shudder with fear and, oh gosh, I can’t even write it. I shudder with…

…disgust.

I’m so ashamed.

I actually shudder with fear and disgust at the thought that I might be “like So-and-so.” My entire approach to fixing this problem has been to not be “…like So-and-so.” Who the hell do I think I am? What makes me so incredible that I can be disgusted by someone else?

So this loop in my head isn’t just, “My husband thinks I’m disgusting.” The real loop is, “My husband thinks I’m disgusting, like how I think So-and-so is disgusting.”

Oh, I so desperately want to defend myself right now, but I can’t. It’s pointless, because no matter what I say, the fact of the matter is that I still find another human being’s appearance disgusting.

It makes me think of Matthew 7:1-2

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

It makes sense that I feel like I disgust others when I can so easily find someone else disgusting. The verse doesn’t say who I will be judged by. I always assumed it meant that if I judged others a certain way than others would judge me that way. I don’t think that now. I think it’s saying if I judge others a certain way than I judge myself that way too. Those thoughts become so much more than just a thought about a person. They become a way I live my life.

For example, it disgusts me when So-and-so’s too-small-shirt rides up and exposes her skin below. Not because it’s skin, but because the shirt clearly does not fit anymore, and it makes me uncomfortable to be visually confronted with the fact that she was once one size and is now a drastically bigger size. All I think of when I see that skin is, “no self-control, lots of overeating, no self-love.” (Gosh, I disgust myself. I can’t believe I am even sharing these thoughts with you.) So out of fear I try not be like that. I strive to have self-control, to not overeat, and to love myself. Just the other day I leaned forward while feeding my baby boy a bottle and my too-small-t-shirt rode up over my now pudgy tummy and when my husband, without me having to ask him, pulled my shirt back down because my arms were busy with the baby I thought, “Oh God, he thinks I’m just like S0-and-so.” When my goal is to not be “like So-and-so” I fail every single time!

You know what? Praise Jesus that I fail every single time. Praise Jesus that he does not let me get away with being mean and judgmental. Praise Jesus that He is calling me out on my crap because I can’t take being disgusting anymore! Isn’t it crazy? My fear of being disgusting has made me disgusting!

Oh Jesus, save me! I am stuck in this pit of mucky-muck and I need you to get me out!

And here is my vision:

Jesus isn’t just throwing me a rope from his clean patch of grass on the side of the pool of mucky-muck. No, Jesus is stepping into the mucky-muck. He is walking towards me, fearless of the muck, fearless of getting dirty or stuck. He swiftly approaches me and he grabs my shoulders and he pulls me close into his chest as a mother hugs her child after the child had wandered off in the mall and had gotten lost. He looks at my face, runs his hand down my cheek, kisses my forehead (which is covered in splotches of oozy brownish-green muck by the way) with a single intense kiss, and hugs me close again.

That’s where the vision ends. Damn, I was hoping he was going to unstick my legs and get me out of the mucky-muck, but I guess right now there are more important things to do: hug my savior and bask in his safety and love.

Thank you, Jesus.

Worship with me: Nothing Holding Me Back by Kalley Heiligenthal

Now nothing is holding me back from You

 Redeemer of my soul

 Now nothing can hold me back from You

 Your Love will never let me go

 

Thank You for Your death and resurrection

 Thank You for the power of Your blood

 I am overwhelmed by Your affection

 The Kindness and the Greatness of Your Love

 The Kindness and the Greatness of Your Love

 

 

 Jesus, You make all things new

The Battle of Dunkin’ Donuts

It was 2:30pm and my afternoon sugar craving was raging at full force. I had been trying for the past 30 minutes to ignore it, but no, the cravings were fighting strong and not giving up. I decided the baby and I would go for a walk in the direction of Dunkin’ Donuts. It would only take me 30 minutes to walk there, and the walk there and back would negate the donut I was going to eat, right? But good Lizzy and fat Lizzy both knew that I couldn’t eat just one donut. And we both knew that I would need a large sugary coffee to wash it down, especially since I was so tired. I strapped the baby into my Tula carrier, locked up, and began walking. The entire stretch of my street was a battle between good and fat.

“You don’t need donuts, this brisk walk will wake you up.”

“But donuts will taste so good right now, especially after such a hard day.”

“No, that’s a lie!”

“That’s not a lie, they WILL taste good!”

“But the guilt afterwards won’t be worth it.”

“But, you are walking there…there doesn’t need to be guilt!”

I felt like Jan from the Brady Bunch movie: eyes wide, mouth stretched in a creepy fake smile, and moving my head side to side as the voices inside my head battled for my allegiance.

I made it to the first traffic light and was faced with a decision: straight towards Dunkin’ donuts or take a right and skip it?

I took a right! I did it! Look at all that will power! Nice, ok, let’s go see the horses instead!

But then I remembered I could take the long way to Dunkin’ Donuts. There was still a way, I need only take a left at the next traffic light. Damn this brain of mine!

I reached the traffic light and faced my next decision: I could stop and wait for the walk sign and head on my donut-less way, or I could take a left without stopping and head for the donuts. I mean really, even if I went to the left I didn’t HAVE to get a donut. I would just have more time to change my mind.

NO! That would be taking a step in the wrong direction, and then it would be even easier to keep taking steps in the wrong direction. I changed my mind about 50 times while waiting for the all clear to walk across the busy road. But when the little blue man beckoned me to cross the street, I did. In fact, I ran to the other side.

I did it! I went and saw the horses instead! What a victory!

And then when I returned home an hour later I ate two chili dogs and had two pieces of toast generously slathered in butter and not just dusted with cinnamon sugar, but a full on blizzard of cinnamon and sugar. Yea, that was probably worse than the donuts.

What is wrong with me? I keep telling myself that when these cravings hit I’m going to stop everything and journal. I’m going to ask myself what it is I really want. What is it I’m hungry for spiritually, physically, and emotionally? But when the time comes, I run; not literally, otherwise I would probably still fit into my workout clothes. But I think, “Ehhh, I’ll do it NEXT time” or “I’m actually just hungry right now.”

And do you know what the worst part is? I’m still craving those darn donuts!


 

Here is something cool, as I was proofing this before posting it, God showed me something.

Satan would LOVE for me to stay in a place of shame over what happened. He would love for me to focus on what I didn’t do, instead of what I did do in this circumstance. But me eating those chili dogs and toast is NOT the entire story. The war has not been won (actually, it has, and guess what, I win… I know I do because Jesus says so**), right now I am fighting battles. I lost the battle of the chili dogs and toast (and let me tell you, about an hour later I REALLY lost the battle of the chili dogs…) but I won the battle of Dunkin’ Donuts! AND not just that, but when I had my craving I decided to WALK instead of drive. And not just that, but I THOUGHT about facing my emotional cravings before I decided not to face them, and before this month,  I would never have even recognized a need to face the emotional side at all. So although there were some gruesome casualties there were also some very awesome victories!

 

**

 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
 John 16:33

You will not need to fight in this battle. Stand firm, hold your position, and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem.’ Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed. Tomorrow go out against them, and the Lord will be with you.”

2 Chronicles 20:17

But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 Corinthians 15:57

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:37-39

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

2 Timothy 1:7

Results of Dare #1

God called me to fast mirrors a little bit ago, and I’ve been chomping at the bit to get started. I was so ready to have an excuse to stop verbally abusing myself. If I couldn’t see my reflection, then I wouldn’t be able to point out all my flaws, right?

But after God called me to fast mirrors He showed me that this fast would need preparation, which, brought about Dare #1. dare1-post-itUnfortunately, Dare #1 meant looking in the mirror to find out what my thoughts actually were. Here are the results:

  1. How’s the hair looking? Meh, just ok…
  2. Where is that damned little chin whisker I keep feeling? Oh my gosh, where did all these chin hairs come from?! Eeewww, I am literally becoming Chewbacca. BBBBBRRRRRrrrrraaaaaaa
  3. That’s a pimple…that’s another pimple…and another…gotta pop them all!
  4. Woah, remember not to put your head in that position ever again, otherwise people we see that rolly polly double chin of mine.
  5. Can you see my roots? Ick, yup…so bad.
  6. Thank God I got my hair done and no longer have to see my roots!
  7. How does this shirt look? Any stomach lumps? What about back fat? Can you see the outline of my belly button? Yup, to all three…I need to change.
  8. What about these pants? How’s the muffin top? (*My muffin top is all that, whole grain low-fat, I know you want a piece of that, but I just wanna dance!*) Out of control! Woooo, why do you even still own these pants?! Because, when I do finally fit into them I will feel like I accomplished something. What, no longer being fat? I am NOT fat! Well, maybe a little…No, I’m not! That’s not what your husband said. Woah, excuse me, he did NOT say I was fat! Stop taking that conversation out of context! Well, you certainly FELT fat after that conversation… *Nice Imagination Liz walks away from Bully Imagination Liz*

Ouch. I am brutal. I fight dirty and don’t give up. Do you know what the worst part is? In writing down these abusive arguments I have with myself, I remembered something I said to someone in high school. I don’t want to write it down. It’s so mean, and I can’t even believe I would dream of saying that to another human being. But I guess if I can say it to myself, what is stopping me from saying it to someone else? I don’t want to own up to it, but I’m going to. Those words are floating around in the universe and I need to take responsibility for them so that Jesus can cleanse me of it.

I sat with a group of boys and girls at a lunch table in our high school cafeteria. A larger girl (but by no means fat) walked by our table and one of our group pointed out that, “she is way too big to be wearing that outfit.” We all laughed. Then someone pointed out that it looked like she had been crying. Another girl said, “yea, I heard her dance teacher told her she couldn’t continue dancing pointe.” My response….

“Her dance teacher was probably worried she would break her feet trying to hold up her fat ass.”

And we all laughed.

Did she hear? Did someone tell her? Do you know what the worst part is? I don’t even remember specifically who it was.

How could I say something like that? How can I continue to say things like that to myself? Why do I still think those things about other people when I want to love them? How do I stop this? How do I change these thoughts? I don’t want to be a mean girl anymore, even if it is just in my thoughts.

I started searching in my bible for answers, because I know it must be different than what I have been trying. I have tried to be good and nice and loving for years, but clearly those thoughts still exist and they still come out, although maybe not towards others as often as they did in high school, but they still come out towards me on an hourly basis.  I was surprised at how clear God can be through these ancient words. I’ve read these verses a bazillion times, but once again they are coming alive today for what I need now. (I wonder when the greatness of God will stop surprising me – hopefully never.)

Romans 8:5-8 Amplified Bible (AMP)

“5 For those who are living according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh [which gratify the body], but those who are living according to the Spirit, [set their minds on] the things of the Spirit [His will and purpose]. 6 Now the mind of the flesh is death [both now and forever—because it pursues sin]; but the mind of the Spirit is life and peace [the spiritual well-being that comes from walking with God—both now and forever]; 7 the mind of the flesh [with its sinful pursuits] is actively hostile to God. It does not submit itself to God’s law, since it cannot, 8 and those who are in the flesh [living a life that caters to sinful appetites and impulses] cannot please God.”

Okay, so I must be living by the flesh instead of by the spirit. I hold myself to standards of the flesh and thus I hold others to standards of the flesh, but all this does is produce hurt, death, and hostility. So, how do I live by the spirit? How do I let go of my fleshly desires and standards. I have this fear that if I let go of dieting, of calorie counting, of food, of my workout schedule that I’m going to become fat…too fat to love. What if Jesus’ plan for me is to be fat? What if His will for me is to be of average beauty and average or big size so others aren’t intimidated by me? What if? What if my husband dies and I’m alone and ugly and fat and then I’ll be alone forever. What if? What if God created me to be big and my husband rejects me for it. 

How do I let go of those fears when I have no idea what new thing I’m going to be grasping onto? 

 

 

 My Dear child, oh, my beautiful ,radiant daughter, I did not give you a spirit of fear and timidity by of power, love, and self-control (2 Tim 1:7). Do you know who I AM? Do you know my nature? Do you know how I treat my children? Maybe this isn’t about who you fail to be as much as it is about who I AM. You don’t seem to know me, the real me. If you knew Me, you would know that my will is good and perfect. I will not abandon you or harm you. I want what is best for you. You would be letting go of your fears to hold on to My hand, not some unknown thing. Come to Me, Come to know Me, the real Me. You will be amazed at the plans I have for you. 

Hey Jesus,

I’m done trying to be the king of my heart. I’m done trying to take your place. I’m done judging others and myself. I don’t want to fill this heart with more muck and tar and death. I want to keep it clean, I want goodness to ooze from me. I want you to shine through. Since I don’t know how to think good thoughts about me, I’m just going to think about you. I’m going to learn about you. I’m going to dwell on your nature. I’m going to fill myself with you, so maybe someday I’ll see you when I look in the mirror. I love you. I need you. I need you in every moment of everyday.

Amen.

 

WORSHIP WITH ME: “King of my Heart” by Steffany Gretzinger

Truth and Dare #1

God has been calling me to fast for a couple years now. Most of the time I just ignore Him, but when I do listen I’m never  able to do it. It always turns into me hoping to get skinny. I’m not even really sure what the point of fasting is, which is probably why it always turns into being about me. But God has continued to call me to it and when I asked him, “Why? What’s the point? What does it do?” He said, “I’ll show you.”

Great, this is one of those “trust-me-and-I’ll-show-you moments”. Don’t get me wrong, these moments are great for telling people about God’s glory, but when it comes to my life they kind of scare the bejesus out of me. (Am I allowed to say bejesus?)

This past week or so I’ve been chatting with God about fasting, well honestly I have just been throwing countless questions at Him and not waiting for an answer. (I really don’t want to do this fast, maybe if I spew a million questions at Him, He will get confused and leave me alone.)

“As a new mother is it wise to fast? Won’t I just be an angry person?”

“What type of fast? Can I just give up sweets or something? Does it have to be all food?”

“How long does this have to go on?”

“Should I start right now? Should I wait until Jan 1st?”

“Is blogging about my fast counterproductive to a fast since I’m not supposed to grumble and groan about it?”

I’m the type of person who wants to go all out, get it done and over with, and then get a pat on the back and huge round of applause;  but God has been telling me that my way is not always the best way. Apparently a fast is not fast, oh boy, this is confusing…a fast is not quick. There is preparation time involved. I’m not even supposed to start until I have finished reading The Daniel Fast by Susan Gregory. And I’m not allowed to start reading that book until I finish If by Mark Batterson. Who knew God was such a stickler for homework?

The other thing God told me was something I knew, but I was a little scared to voice to Him. Hah, as if He didn’t know already.

“Elizabeth?”

“Yes Father, I’m here. What is it?”

“When you fast, I want you to focus on me.”

“Of course I will! Fasting is for You isn’t it?”

“I don’t want you to get caught up in how you look. I don’t want you to let your body become an idol.”

“God? I’m not sure if I know how to even do that. “

“I know, but that’s what I’m going to teach you. The very first thing I want you to do is fast from any mirror bigger than your hand. This includes checking your reflection in a window.”

“But what about the shopping spree that Dean gave me for Christmas? How will I know if the clothes look good on me?”

“How do you they look on the rack? Do you like them? How do they feel? My dear, your eyes are deceiving you. Your eyes are telling you lies and then you repeat these lies over and over again in your mind. Each time you repeat a lie it deepens a trench in your brain and it becomes easier and easier to believe that lie. When you live by these lies it causes your entire body to sin. You have made your body an idol. I want you to be able to fully enjoy the gift Dean gave you- fully, purely, and without sin. But most of all I want you to fully enjoy the gift that I gave you: your body. Just as you need to prepare for a food fast, you need to prepare for your mirror fast; trust Me in this. Remember, I do not give as the world gives.”

So, in order for me to properly prepare for my Daniel fast, I need to first prepare for a fast from mirrors. Oh boy. I’m not sure how long he wants me to fast from mirrors, but I know it is at least until I finish my Daniel fast. The Daniel fast is 21 days, and I still need to read the book, so at least a month; let’s be honest, I am a snail of a reader, so it will definitely be more like two months. But I’m getting ahead of myself already. I can’t just jump into this mirror fast without preparation.

I don’t know exactly how this is going to work, but I do know I DON’T have to figure that out. God will reveal everything I need in time, I fully trust that. He has done it so many times before. For now, God has given me a little challenge in preparation. If you want to join me this challenge, I’ll be posting weekly “Dares” that we can do together. These dares are designed to stretch ME and are by no means a standard by which YOU need to live. These are simply things God is calling ME to do FOR NOW and I just wanted to invite others to join me.  If you can’t do them all: cool, do what you can; if you only want to try one: awesome, I’ll be supporting you; if you think the dares don’t apply to you and you are in no way compelled to do them: great, consider yourself lucky. But as for me, I will be doing these dares, messing up these dares, failing at these dares, succeeding at the these dares, and learning from these dares.

If you decide to join me in one, two, or all of the dares; I would love to hear how it’s going for you. Comment below; shoot me an email using my contact page; or use #2fat2loveDARE with your pictures on Instagram to let me know what you discover: the good, the bad, and the beautiful. You can also follow me on Instagram @2fat2love

DARE 1

I dare you to start putting words to the thoughts (good and bad) that pass through your mind as you look in the mirror. Write them down as the week goes by, we will use these later.

These are the identity trenches you are digging in your brain. The more you think these thoughts the deeper the trenches get and the easier it is for your thoughts to continue in that pattern. I hate putting words to the negative thoughts because I can easily get caught in a spiral of repeating them, but I need to put words to my thoughts so I can later fight the lies and fortify the truths with scripture (don’t jump ahead, we will add the scripture later).

dare1-post-it

Taking Back What’s Mine

“I’m worried about you: you’ve been putting on weight and overeating. I’m scared you’re going to wake up three years from now and realize you are 300 pounds. I don’t want you to struggle just to run around and play with our kids.”

My husband’s words circled round and round in my head, taunting my heart with every pass. His words were said four months ago, but I was still replaying them in my mind several times a day. When I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw, I would repeat his words over and over,  “You’ve been putting on weight and overeating.”

The truth was, I was putting on weight and overeating. I knew I was overeating. I knew I was using food as a crutch. I don’t want you to get the wrong impression of my husband either. He isn’t a jerk, his timing might not be great, but he isn’t a jerk. He put words to something I already knew; something I was trying to hide from others. His words were the catalyst to this blog- the encouragement to start working through my fat thoughts. It didn’t feel good though. Actually, it sucked. It really sucks when you hear someone you love confront you about your greatest shame. Especially since I had been actively working on body image issues for 3.5 years, and God was just now bringing the food addiction to my attention. I got defensive, I wanted him to see and understand how hard I had been working on this. I wanted him to know how hard it was for me. He didn’t quite understand, and I’m coming to terms with the fact that he may never understand my struggle.

I want to put this out there as well: at no point did my husband say, “if you get fat I will no longer love you” or “I no longer find you attractive” or “you weight gain disgusts me.” I came to those conclusions myself and they are lies!  I don’t want you to read this blog and think this is a fight against my husband, society, and unrealistic expectations. Although that fight is very real, I believe it is a symptom of a greater battle. The real battle is not to get others to see that I’m beautiful and worth loving, the real battle is to see it for myself.

Since that conversation, I had dropped a couple pounds. Just like any other addict, I made a  vow to change so I wouldn’t lose those I loved. But there was a lot wrong with that way of thinking and I’m starting to see it now, four months later. Four months has given me the chance to actually take notice of my thoughts. I don’t have the answers yet, I’m just in the stage of recognition. I’m recognizing that I need help. I’m recognizing how flawed my thoughts are. I’m seeing how these thoughts affect every single area of my life!

If a pair of pants fresh out of the dryer felt tighter that usual as I maneuvered them over my shapely thighs and calves, I would rehash the scariest part of that conversation, “I’m scared you’re going to wake up three years from now and realize you are 300 pounds.”

Even writing those words this very moment has awakened a beast in me, desperate to work out, to stop eating, to try and become model thin, all out of the fear of losing the affection of my husband. I am at war as we speak. My mind and spirit are at war with my body. My mind says, “now is the time to write.” My spirit says, “At this moment, God has asked you to write.” But my body screams, “I can’t get fat! I can’t put on more weight! Already my husband thinks I’m disgusting (he doesn’t) and huge (he doesn’t) and I can’t do any of the things I could when I was working out (why I would need to perform intricate arm balances while raising my baby boy I don’t know…) and if I don’t stop writing right now and go for a run or something I’m going to just keep getting fatter and fatter.” So my mind tells my body, “no!” and guess what my body comes back with?

“Fine then…I’m hungry! I’m so hungry! Feed me something good. Not just this coffee and oatmeal, I want something really good: something sweet and sugary. If I can’t work out then at least let me eat!”

Four months has also given me the time to backslide and gain all that weight back. The fear didn’t wear off, but it just became too much pressure. I have failed too many times, and the guilt was just too much. I was constantly fighting two battles, one where I try not to self medicate with food, and one where I try not to self medicate my food medicated body with extreme exercise. I want to be able to work out because of love for myself, not disgust. The same goes for food. I want to be able to eat healthy because I’m worth it, not because I feel unworthy of eating sweets.

This is going to be quite a war.

I’m desperate to not just jump back into my old way of fighting. This fight can no longer be won with obsessive calorie counting and guilt driven workouts. I was never able to stick to it, and I never loved myself in it anyway. What’s the point of being loved by others if I can’t even receive their love because I don’t think I’m worth their love?

My fight is not to get others to see my worth or to get “society” to stop brainwashing us. My fight is no longer to “fit in”: fit in those pants, fit in that group. My fight is against the lies I have been believing. My fight is not against my brain and body, but in reality, it is a rescue mission! I am going into enemy territory and I am taking back what is mine.

 

WORSHIP WITH ME: “I Am Healed” by River Valley Worship 

“Sickness, you have no power here

Darkness, you have no power here

Chaos, you have no power here

In Jesus’ name!”