Too Fat to Love…Why was this the title? Why did God want me to write a book and blog about being fat? I’m not really fat. But I couldn’t deny it, He gave me this title over and over and over again. At one point I was so sure this title was from Him that I bought the domain name just so I couldn’t talk myself out of it. But the truth of it is this: I hate this title. I hate it.
It makes me seem vain, petty, unlovable, and well…fat or that I have a fear of being fat when I’m not actually fat. It’s an invitation for others to disagree with me, or worse, to agree with me, “she really IS too fat to love…”Basically, this title shouts “I’m broken! I don’t have it all figured out! Don’t follow me because I have no answers!” And that really goes against everything I want. I want people to follow me, to like me, to want to be me…it’s gross. Every time I think of my dream of writing a book I imagine book tours and people knowing my name and finding me inspirational and then…I am reminded of the title God gave me, Too Fat to Love and all of that comes crashing down. The scales of fame fall from my eyes and I am face to face with the ugly monster, Pride. Ugh. Pride. Ugh.
I don’t want to be prideful. I want to want what God wants, but it kind of feels like He is sending me down a path where I will be judged and laughed at. I am scared and yet, I am actively searching for ways to follow Him. I keep trying to figure out what the title even means, like maybe there is some miraculous meaning in it that I am missing, and when I have finished my book everyone who reads it will be like, “that Lizzy is so clever…well done!”
This has got to be the title because it constantly brings me to my knees and places my face in the dirt: child’s pose. I am a child of God. I am NOT God, I am a child of God. I don’t have the answers. I am not perfect. Am I fat? Am I unlovable? Do I hold back love because I am fat and/or because I think I am fat? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.