Pause. Be Still.

I feel shame when I am around Christian women who are skinny. It’s stupid, but it’s true. There is a part of me that thinks that if you are a good Christian, God will bless you with beauty and health. So when I am around skinny, healthy, beautiful Christian women, I feel wrong. I feel like the extra meat on my bones screams, “I sin way worse than you do!” or “I’m trying and failing miserably at being a good person.” I know this isn’t true, I know this is all a lie from the evil one, fabricated to trip me up and stop me from doing what God has called me to do. But how on earth do I fix this?

YOU don’t. I do.

The spirit of God whispered these words amidst the blaring lies playing on repeat over the loud speaker in my brain. “You do what though? How do you fix this? I want to know.”

Pause. Be still.

There was a familiarity in those words that I could not place. It was separate from the “Be still and know that I am God” verse I so clearly knew.

Pause. Be Still.

Pause. It was an order. It was a call for a time out. Whatever is going on in your brain, body, and spirit, just pause it. Step away from yourself. Stop.

Be still. Now, listen to the stillness. Stop moving, stop jumping around, stop trying to figure it all out, stop trying to fix everything, just be still.

So what you are saying, God, is that…

No. Pause. Be still.

But I just want to contemplate…

No. Pause. Be still. Now is the time to pause.

But I don’t understand, I just need a little more infor….

No. Pause. Be still.

Ok, pause. Now, I’m still. I’m listening for your voice in the stillness. I am hearing birds and the HVAC and some ice fall from the ice maker. I’m listening for your voice. I’m listening for your voice. I’m listening for your voice. I’m listening for your…

STOP THIS NONSENSE. ELIZABETH, PAUSE. BE STILL.

It wasn’t an angry command. It was a firm command. And that’s when I recognized the familiarity.

Every time…EVERY… TIME my son needs a diaper change it’s like a wrestling match. He wiggles and flips and flops against my restraining arms and as soon as I lift an arm off of him to undo his diaper, or to unfold a new diaper or to try and secure a new diaper, he just flips over and is crawls away. He is so fast, it’s like he is on a mission. I am constantly holding him still and saying, “Pause. Pause. Pause. Now is the time to be still. Pause. Be still.” At first he struggles against me violently. “Sammy. Sammy. SAMUEL. PAUSE. BE STILL.” After that He will usually quiet down for a second or two before I must repeat the sequence, and eventually his diaper is changed and he is on his way again, but it has taken quadruple the amount of time it would have taken if he had just been still to begin with. But it doesn’t matter how many times I explain that to him simply because it is way above his cognitive understanding at the moment.

This is the exact same struggle I am in with God my father. Something feels wrong, I feel soiled, and I want to be clean and fresh. I don’t know how to go about changing my own diaper, in fact I don’t even know that’s exactly what I need, so instead of pausing and being still while my father goes to work on cleaning me up, I struggle against the stillness.

“I need to be clean! I must figure out how to do it! Now is not the time for stillness, everyone can smell how dirty I am! I’ll be still once I am clean, but now I need to figure out how to clean this mess up.”

Pause. Be Still.

How long will I continue to try and fix my body and the mess I feel inside and outside, before I submit and let God do the work for me? How long am I willing to delay his cleansing touch just so I can “do it myself” only to find out I can’t do it myself and I need his cleansing touch?

And does being still mean I’m not supposed to try and work off calories?

Pause. Be Still.

But, God, do you want me to stop trying so hard to lose weight? Is that what you mean?

Pause. Be still.

So, you want me to continue to work out daily and eat well?

Pause. Be still.

Yea, I get it, but, what does that mean?!

Pause. Be Still.

Where is that “be still” bible verse? Maybe if I research all the Hebrew and Greek words in the original translations then I will get some deeper understanding of how to…

PAUSE. BE STILL.

But I…

PAUSE. BE STILL.

But…

PAUSE. BE STILL.

Pause. Be Still.

PAUSE. BE STILL.

Pause. Be still.

PAUSE. BE STILL.

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