I was watching The Bachelor the other day with some friends during our girl’s night and I had a self-sabotaging thought, “I could never be on The Bachelor because I’m not skinny enough.” Every single one of those girls is beautifully thin. If I stood in a lineup of contestants from The Bachelor I would look like Danny DeVito standing next to Arnold Schwarzenegger in “Twins”
But I wasn’t really thinking straight. After some self-loving yoga and prayer I was able to clear my head a tad. I mean why are those girls on that show to begin with? To find a husband? To get married? To find love? I already have all that. And I know that doesn’t mean I am “better off” or “more successful” or whatever. It just means that I would never ever even need or want to go on The Bachelor because I am happily married and in love, so why am I even worrying about what I would look like in a line-up of contestants on The Bachelor?
I could spend all day and tons of energy fighting the societal “requirements” for an eligible contestant on the Bachelor, and how horrible it is that we are showing girls that only the model thin and beautiful are worthy of television and love on television. But honestly, that argument doesn’t renew my mind in the least. Instead it fuels the fire of anger and resentment with a victim mentality. It tricks me into thinking that the only way I will love myself and think I am worthy is if I convince others that they should see me as worthy.
This doesn’t work.
Let me say it again…THIS DOESN’T WORK!
No matter how much you want it, or try to do it, you cannot change someone without their consent.
No, I’m serious. I’m sure I will lose so many of you for saying that, because guess what that means? You are the only thing standing in your way of love. You are the problem.
I AM THE PROBLEM!
Not my past sexual abuse.
Not the porn industry.
Not the extreme expectations our society has for women.
All of those things are problems, but they are not THE PROBLEM. They are not the reason, the root, the foundation of why I feel ugly, worthless, and unlovable.
The problem is me. The problem is that I buy into the lies of my past, of my society, etc. The problem is I don’t fight for myself. The problem is I am blind to the beautiful creation God made me to be.
Dita Von Teese was dead on when she said, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”
But what happens if I am the one that doesn’t like peaches? I actually LOVE peaches, but for the sake of this argument let’s say I hate peaches. I hate that fuzz on their skin. I hate that you have to eat around a pit. I hate that the juice gets all over and makes you sticky. And the taste…ugh! Don’t even get me started on the taste. So, I am a peach; a ripe, juicy peach, but I hate peaches. Then what?
It won’t matter if one person loves me or the world loves me, if I still dislike myself. It doesn’t matter if I convince everyone else to love peaches if I still hate peaches. Because while everyone is enjoying peach pie, and peach ice cream, and fresh peaches picked off the tree, I will be miserable because I hate peaches. Someone could be like, “I love to rub the peach fuzz on my face” and I would still think, “ewwww…it’s peach fuzz…” (Which, by the way, I love to rub peach fuzz on my face…I know…it’s weird…it’s just so soft!)
So how do I learn to love peaches, I mean Liz?
I don’t have an answer…yet, anyway. But I plan on documenting what I learn, my mistakes, and my victories.
I feel like I keep writing the same post over and over again, because I just can’t seem to get over this hump. BUT! God has been showing me that there are many layers to my dislike of Liz. One of the first layers I have been working through is trusting Liz — trusting that I have a valid opinion, that my body is capable of communicating it’s needs to me, and that I have the ability to hear God, etc.
So here is the self-loving yoga I practiced this morning. It is suitable for all levels, but my challenge to you is to be completely present in the moment. I had to keep returning to my breath and breathing in deep to find those tight spaces in myself. I had to become aware of the places in my body that needed a little extra love: my neck, my shoulders, and my calves. And when I mean a little extra love, I mean love and caring. Those muscles needed massage, oil, stretching, and REST.
Hi Jesus, I’m really sorry I don’t believe you. I’m sorry I don’t believe you when you say I am loveable just as I am. Please open my eyes. Open my eyes to your beautiful creation: snow, leaves, my son, the wind, color! Oh Jesus, there are so many beautiful and wonderful things you have created! Could I possibly be one of those things too? I know I am, but I don’t feel I am. Anyways, I love you times a million!!!!