I’m not sure God would say the words “bull shit”, but I mean He is the creator of the world so I know He could say it. Regardless, He is calling me out on my Bull Shit.
I wrote a blog entry yesterday about the many hurts I have had through the years about my body. Offensive things that others have said to me about my body that I then continued to replay over and over in my head. I wasn’t trying to blame these people for all of my pain, after all, none of them recorded what they said and then played it back every time I looked in the mirror. That was my doing. But I still wanted to be a victim.
Luckily, I didn’t have time to proofread and post that entry. All day, God was challenging me on my motives. He started challenging me on the motives of my dares. He started challenging me on the motives of all my posts. He called me to write, yes, but He called me to write about my struggle, not to try and get followers or readers. He called me to write about my brokenness so His greatness will be glorified, not to try and justify myself. He did not call me to put up a facade of “having my stuff together” and knowing what exactly God wants me to do to feel beautiful and loved. In reality, I have no idea how to love myself, if I did, I wouldn’t dislike myself.
I wanted to put up another dare challenge, but God hasn’t dared me to do anything more yet. Actually, that’s not true…God has challenged me to read my bible every single day. But that seemed too boring to post, and it didn’t seem like it went hand in hand with me feeling beautiful and letting go of my Chunky Monkey mentality.
Last night as I laid in bed reflecting on how beautiful and thin all my new bible study gals were, God asked me this:
“If I were fat would I be less of a great God? If Jesus was fat would you refuse to follow him?”
I tried to avoid the question by saying, “God you can’t be fat because you are perfect and fatness is not a form of perfection.”
“Says who? Says you: Liz, a tiny little blip in the expanse of eternity? You did not create beauty. You did not create perfection. How could you possibly know? Answer my question: If I were fat would I be less of a great God? Would my appearance change all that I have done for you? Would my appearance diminish my promises? Would my appearance negate my love?”
“Of course not!! But your appearance would not be a result of sin…”
“I want you to look into that, my dear.”